Friday, June 14, 2013

Trinity of Truth Tip: Don’t Be a Victim Junky

In my old job, when I’d let things get the best of me, I had thoughts like, “This job is killing me” or “I hate it here” or “I hate the people I work with."  Although I was expressing how I really felt inside (in that moment at least) these thoughts only added to my misery.  I knew this sort of thinking was not good for me (or anyone else) but it was like an addiction, a bad habit, that I couldn’t control.  It felt good in the moment, like any other feel-good addiction, but the hangover of this negative cocktail was hell.  I always felt worse after spewing.  I needed help.

After seeking guidance and reading books on how to help myself, I came across an exercise that helped me clear out this negative behavior.  It’s easy to do and goes like this.  Take a regular piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left write a belief that feels negative.  On the right, write an opposing (positive) statement. 

Here’s an example:

On the left side of the paper, “I hate my job and it drags me down” and on the right "My job is uplifting and fulfills me” on the first line.  The second line, “People are out to get me at work” with “I trust everyone I work with” to the right.  Continue with up to ten (negative and positive) statements. 

Yes, I know, it feels like a lie.  It is.  Do it anyway.  The point of this exercise is to force the negative thoughts out so positive thoughts (energy) can work their way into your subconscious mind—where addictions brew.  The real trouble comes when you share this (negative) brew with others.  And just like an alcoholic partying out of control, you will be met with strong resistance when you attempt to dilute the brew, or worse, threaten to throw it out.  But, eventually, if you stick with the exercise of writing a positive statement to oppose the negative statement, the evil little gremlins, bored and in need of a new thrill, will leave the party.  And you will have cultivated a new belief system in their place.  A more positive thought process. A new behavior.

When I first started doing this exercise my husband thought I was delusional. He especially thought I was crazy when I said over and over, "I love my co-workers and trust them implicitly" because he knew that one of my major sources of suffering at work, which he had personally witnessed more than a few times, was getting sabotaged by one particular co-worker.  I couldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.  Heck, I couldn’t even pick her up if I tried, let alone throw her.  I didn’t trust her even when she was standing right next to me.  She was smart—intellectually, but worse, like a fox. I even agreed with my husband sometimes, that I was likely losing my mind. But I kept at it—this left/right exercise.  After about a week I no longer needed to write things down but did the exercise mentally, which, I was surprised to find, had more staying-power. 

In my heart, I knew my words and thoughts held power to shift my reality.  Life had taught me this already.  And being a naturally optimistic person, my negative attitude, my addiction, was deeply disturbing and crippling.  I knew better, yet I allowed negative thoughts to trap me in the role of victim, the “poor ole me” mentality anyway. Instead of working to change (improve) myself, I was blaming others for my troubles.   But by focusing on the positive statements, I was soon empowered because I was beginning to regain some control.  The addiction of negative thinking and defensive behavior was losing its hold.  Momentum kicked in.  I was on the road to recovery.

Once I stopped reacting to other people’s behaviors my reality dramatically shifted.  If, for example, my nemesis challenged me during a meeting and tried setting me up; in other words, sabotaging me with her specialty—passive-aggressive behavior—I let her.  There’s something about stepping aside and letting a steam-roller pass on by.  You don’t get smashed.  And, in its fury to do harm and blinded by its passion to smash things, the steam roller loses its way and crashes into a cement wall, all by itself.  Once I stopped reacting, my co-worker’s attempts to rile me up became futile.  When I didn’t bite; she stopped fishing in this pond.  She lost steam.  She left me alone.

It is not your job to try to change others.  The more you try, the worse you feel.  And the more you blame other people for your troubles the deeper your victim roots grow.  But the truth is, jerks are jerks.  Period.  All you can do is get out of their way and stop being an easy victim.  Just like any other addiction (to alcohol, drugs, sex, food or any other thing that controls you) victimhood robs you of your power.

When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot.”  —The Dalai Lama

Bring to mind a difficult relationship or situation.  On the left of your paper write negative statements and on the right, the positive opposing statement.  As you go through your day, focus on the right side of the paper! 

One last tip: Review your positive statements and see if you can come up with one statement to use as a mantra. 

1 comment:

  1. Hi Ruthie. Great post about the power of positive thinking. I believe in this whole-heartedly.

    I try to tell children and teens this also. If you do NOT react to the bully's words, he/she will turn to someone else [the poor new person]. For I think that even in the workplace as adults, we find bullies or people who wish to crush our positive thoughts only to make themselves feel better.

    Again, nice read, Ruthie. ~Victoria Marie Lees
    http://campingwithfivekids.blogspot.com

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